My warped assessments affecting the way I think of "the display of talent, intellect and personality", or, "showing off". 

Nobody has really heard me play on the piano. Besides my neighbours, of course. I guess one friend has heard me play, but it wasn't too impressive because I usually play for my own entertainment, and don't practice till perfection.

There is a pretty warped 'theory' of mine behind this. I know why I don't like playing in front of others. Somehow I think that playing without someone else's request is considered "showing off". And even if they do make a request, (and if you're willing to play, it means you've practised a song up to performance standard), they're bound to say "omg you're so talented!" or "omg you're so good!", and I'm bound to like being praised. 

I don't like the feeling of enjoying being praised. It makes me feel as though I do something just to be patted on the head, or looked up to. Even if I do something purely out of personal enjoyment, I would still feel that way if someone walks along and tries to put me on some pedestal. The truth is, I really yearn for others' praise, recognition and admiration. So I try to avoid any situation that shows I actually want a pat on my back, and deprive myself of it. 

Maybe I hate others knowing about this secret (and therefore hide it as much as I can) because it makes me feel needy. More importantly, I also want to prove to myself that I don't need others' validation to feel good about myself. I want to feel good about playing the piano, writing, drawing even if nobody on earth knows I can do them. There must be a day where I'd love something so much that I'll need zero validation from others, and still love it to death. Or something such as writing would be so important to me that I'd want to share its importance with others, instead of sharing and hoping they'd think I'm intellectual, talented etc. The same applies for music and perhaps art (photography/film).

I guess it's not that unhealthy to enjoy being praised, it's okay to bask in a little bit of that glory, but it should be taken as a bonus and not something you expect. My problem is that I'm so against feeling the slightest bit of joy from someone else's validation. (As I said, it makes me feel like my self-worth would be built upon others' view of me, and not upon myself). Now that is unhealthy. Someone has to give me some perspective.

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In a positive light, I sometimes feel it's good I do this to myself. Because it helped me realise I don't actually have a huge passion for drawing even though people think I'm an 'art kid' and all. It doesn't help me express myself. I just really like being praised by others when I draw something nice. The fact that I get frustrated whenever I can't draw something with the potential of being praised by everyone simply proves the fact that I don't love drawing on its own. Okay, I DO enjoy drawing at times, especially on my friends' birthday cards, or any object they want for their birthday but can't afford, and I do get lost in the process halfway. But that is all, I don't get a BURNING DESIRE. I'm still hoping that would change, of course. 

Photography is slightly more complicated, because as much as I have received compliments and I like that feeling, sometimes I really just take photos of people and things for the fun of it. And because I turn to the piano or guitar even if nobody ever praises me, I'm sure as hell I love music. And writing as a form of expression, self discovery and communication.

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Here are some things which I would consider showing off: 
(basically, as long as I have the intention of letting others know of my achievements. If they ask and I tell, it usually feels okay)


1) Telling others about good results (it's okay if they ask personally),
2) Drawing something and putting it online and hoping people would compliment me,
3) writing something i am proud of and making people read it (unless it really comes from the bottom of my heart, that's different),
4) playing the piano at a place where people might be watching,
5) practising a song to perfection while imagining someone praising me,
6) maybe posting an album of my best shots online (am slightly apprehensive about putting it here, because I don't feel like I'm showing off whenever I do that, but I don't know why else I'd want to post my photos online, so I'll just put it here)


I know there is a distinction between showing off and being genuinely happy/excited over something (and therefore sharing your joy with others), it's all really dependent on the intention of someone. Sadly, my assessment behind "the display of talent and intellect" is so negative that many things get labelled as "show off". That is not good.

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Now that I've written this, I feel like sharing it with someone/anyone to get some perspective on this issue. (feel okay about sharing this, because that is my genuine intention) Because this is just me assessing many things as "showing off", and associating any good feeling from being complimented with negative connotations I have behind "the display of talent, intellect and personality". 


I am sure, that amongst all the attention seeking, praise-desperate, in-need-of-ego-stroking people out there, there are people who genuinely love what they do and want to share this love with the world. Or to make the world a better place with their talents. Or maybe some just want some perspective like I do. The wise and knowledgeable will have a pure intention of making the world more well-informed and inspired, because not everyone is a stuck-up intellect who thinks he is a superior being with a bigger brain. 


[ Not that I really hate these 'stuck up', 'show-offy' people though. I understand every inch of wanting to be good enough, or perhaps better than the rest. Because all we want is to be accepted, as 'warped' as some may turn out to be in the process of achieving that. eg, arrogance, perhaps? More thought needs to be put into this point. Nonetheless, I think it's good for all of us to learn to be equals and accept one another. ]